KTH1 is coming! But, making it hasn’t been easy. In a new interview with Weverse Magazine, BTS‘s V explained the struggles of creating his first mixtape.

Though “Blue & Grey” is one of the standout tracks on BE, it wasn’t meant to be there. Originally, V says, the song was supposed to be on his first mixtape. He actually wrote the highly personal song when he was at his “lowest point” and hit hard by depressing thoughts.

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I wrote “Blue & Grey” when I was at my lowest point, when I was actually asking whether I could keep going with my work or not. Those kinds of thoughts hit me hard.

— V

Using his tough time as “a kind of fertilizer“, V wrote down all his feelings as notes, and eventually decided to compile them into a song. Despite having such a deep, personal connection to the track, V was able to let it go once it was finished.

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After the song was finished, I felt a sense of accomplishment, and that’s how I was able to let go of “Blue & Grey.” That was one way I wanted to try getting over my problem.

— V

But, just like dealing with the emotional struggles released in “Blue & Grey” wasn’t easy, V’s entire mixtape has been a difficult journey. In the interview, he confessed that he actually feels “a ton of pressure” over putting it together, constantly thinking about what kind of album he’d be satisfied with.

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The title track is the title track, but everyone also says to just leave it as it is, but I keep getting the urge to keep putting in more and more.

— V

Elaborating, V revealed that “it’s so hard” to work on the mixtape—perhaps because it’s his first. While people have advised him to simply release the album and gauge the reception, V says he thinks it “still has a long way to go” and he wants to fix any issues before it drops.

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On top of that, V confessed that he doesn’t want the title track of his mixtape to be “depressing“. He usually writes songs when he’s feeling emotional, which is how “Blue & Grey” came to be. Now, however, he wants to be more “positive” and help ARMYs beat their own feelings of depression.

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But it’s not easy.

— V

While there’s no saying what V’s mixtape title track concept will eventually be, it’s likely to include one of his favorite themes. V explained the he likes “nighttime and the late-night air“—two common motifs in his music, along with loneliness and snow. He says he doesn’t sleep well, but things like now and night air “keep [him] alive“.

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They may just be another part of normal life to other people, but to me, they represent very special moments.

— V